Vampires are shitty and two-faced.

Vampires are shitty and two-faced. There’s something about their addiction to blood that makes them hateful.

I guess they have no choice in the way they survive. But they’re conniving and desperate, while they work their way to one’s neck.

They walk among us. They are the hyped call-centre jockeys who phone you about the same debt relief rubbish every day, and they’re the resentful taxi drivers who use your credit card, to do $10-thousand deals overseas. They just happen to be first cousins of resourceful politicians.

On bad days I just want to go outside and watch the dogs peeing in the park. But the dream that you will bond with another lonely pet owner, on a bench under a tree, while your pets sniff each other’s nether regions, is just that — life does not run like a romcom.

It doesn’t follow its own script. Every bad experience seems set in a Hollywood genre — but the credits just don’t roll once the main characters have sorted out their shit.

Tell my agent I’m presently unavailable but I’m working on it. #fringetheartist